Alyss in Blunderland -or- You Could Have Done Beddor -or- Boooooooaaashhkk!
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know that I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat. "or you wouldn't have come here."
I love Alice and her amazing friends/foes. If you don't, well, I feel sorry for you. Horribly, terribly sorry for you. It's as if you don't like chocolate or the smell of seawater: you're just plain missing out.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know that I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat. "or you wouldn't have come here."
I love Alice and her amazing friends/foes. If you don't, well, I feel sorry for you. Horribly, terribly sorry for you. It's as if you don't like chocolate or the smell of seawater: you're just plain missing out.
I love Alice and her amazing friends/foes. If you don't, well, I feel sorry for you. Horribly, terribly sorry for you. It's as if you don't like chocolate or the smell of seawater: you're just plain missing out.
I also happen to be a big fan of adaptations/reimaginings/hellspawn of Lewis Carroll's work. The Disney version is one of my favorite things that The Mouse has produced and I don't know about you, but I'm quite looking forward to Tim Burton's version as he attempts to redeem himself for that well-meaning but fatally flawed Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I regularly thank the Gods of Public Domain, for there are creators that (to varying degrees of success) dare to step even further out. My favorite Batman story, Grant Morrison and Dave McKean's horrifying Arkham Asylum, is based on Carroll's work. Christopher Myers' adaptation of Jabberwocky is one of the most original picture book concepts in the past several years. And then there's the current most money-makingest of Wonderlands, at least until the Burton movie hits theaters, that which comes from the mind of Frank Beddor, author of the Looking Glass Wars trilogy.
I read the first book a few months before its American release and it was one of those stay-up-until-the-sun-comes-up fast reads. If you haven't heard of it, here's the gist:Alyss (pronounced "Alice") Heart is the princess of Wonderland, a parallel universe and magical Queendom where all of earth's inventions, be it watercolor paints, the AK-47 or iPod, originally come from. Some of Wonderland's residents have the imagination of an Edison while others, like the Queen, have the imagination of a Gandalf, imagination that manifests itself as a dominant magical superpowers.
Alyss' evil aunt, Redd Heart murders Alyss' parents and usurps Wonderland's throne. Young Alyss is whisked away to Earth (England in the 1860's to be precise) for her own safety. Her imaginative powers slowly wane the longer she is away from Wonderland, and she slowly begins to doubt Wonderland's existence as her tales are repeatedly mocked and chalked up to childhood fantasy. She eventually finds one grownup who will listen: Charles Dodgson, aka Lewis Carroll. Alyss tells him everything about the evil Redd Queen of Hearts, about Redd's right-hand assassin The Cat, about Alyss' own ninja/samurai/superspy/bodyguard Hatter M, et cetera. Dodgson eventually takes some liberties and publishes his sanitised and warped version as Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Alyss is apalled, betrayed, and it is then that she gives up and fully commits to being a "normal" Briton.
Hatter M, meanwhile, has spent the better part of a decade roaming around Earth to try and find his princess. He eventually does and must hurry her back to Wonderland where she must rediscover her powers, overthrow Redd, and save the day. Battles ensue. Deaths are avenged. Sequels are foreshadowed.
I enjoyed the book. A lot. It wasn't brilliant literature by any stretch of the imagination (pun unintended) but it was a great young adult page-turner and an extremely fun read. It has its flaws, primarily a forced and superfluous love story, but all-in-all worth losing a night's sleep. What truly made it was the fantastic middle part of the novel that takes place on Earth, the bit where poor young Alyss/Alice comes to question her own sanity and finally chooses a normal adult life over the partial madness of childhood. That theme, and not the cute name changes of all of the iconic characters, is what makes this a true homage to Carroll's work.
"How do you know that I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat. "or you wouldn't have come here."
A few years later the sequel, Seeing Redd, hit the shelves. Here's the user review I posted on Barnes and Noble's website:
Wonderland's Sophomore Slump
Posted February 23, 2008, 3:40 PM EST: I enjoyed Beddor's 'Looking Glass Wars' a good deal. What truly set it apart from standard sword and sorcery fantasy, aside from the Carroll roots, was its wonderful second act. The middle part of 'Wars' was rich with mystery and psychological complexity. Mystery and complexity, however, are nowhere to be found in 'Seeing Redd.' The only thing resembling complexity is the chasm between the two warring queens: Alyss and Redd. Alyss' character has become horribly dull and does not evolve one iota throughout the novel. Redd is what she was before: a hilariously evil, sterotypical, and entertaining character. Continually jumping back and forth between the dry heroes and colorful villians makes the novel seem disjointed . . . and makes me root for the villians. The 'twist' ending that Beddor throws in is nothing more than an easy open-ended cop-out. Here's hoping book three is better.
I wish I could tell you what that "twist ending" is, but I've since completely forgotten, which is a testament to the overall lameness of the book. When the conclusion, Arch Enemy, hit shelves I could only fight off the temptation for so long. I suffer from the great curse of sequels: can't ignore 'em, almost never like 'em.
Which brings me to Arch Enemy.
My capsule review: Bwwoorrllkkk.
It became obvious fairly early on that Beddor completely mailed this one in and, if the rumors of an impending movie adaptation of the books are true, it seems like he just spat this thing up there for an eventual screenplay. Not that I can ever make excuses for crappy paint-by-numbers books, but I understand when a Thomas Harris spits out a Hannibal Rising to make another yacht payment. But when the first movie based on the first book of your trilogy isn't even greenlit? Tsk tsk tsk.
Arch Enemy has no idea what kind of book it is; it's chock full of stock battle sequences with a sprinkling of star-crossed love and a heaping dose of daddy-issues . . . but completely impossible for the reader to take it seriously when so much of it is so damn goofy. From the absurdly named Weapon of Inconceivable Loss and Massive Annihilation (or WILMA), to ridiculous weapons such as the "oozy," (a gun that shoots goop) much of the book comes across as drunken James Bond Mad Hatter Libs. The writing is atrocious, and the use of sound effects is absolutely insane.
Zeeeerrroww!
Constantly, throughout the book, if something happens that causes a sound, a sound effect is actually written. For instance:
Pffffffaaa!- The transport shook. Outside, Alyss could hear the metallic wheeze of unfolding cannonball spiders, the scuffle of running feet, panicked voices.
Dodge pulled a slender rod from the top of his boot, and--Fwathump! The rod opened like an umbrella from earth, its webbing shielding him and Alyss from incoming shards.
-or-
Alyss fell toward the Pool of Tears, he feet pointed down and her arms held close to her body.
Kersplassshhhh!
She plunged through the water . . .
-or-
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! A mauler shard whistled by her head.
Every fight scene, and there are a lot of fight scenes, are laden with fffshaw!'s and fi-fi-fi-fi-fith!'s and fweppap!'s. It grated on me after a while, but what annoyed me most was the inconsistency of the noises. As a lifelong comic book fan there are few things I love more than the snikt! of Wolverine's claws popping or the thwip! of Spider-Man firing off his web-shooters. An iconic sound effect is created by using it repeatedly, not by overusing it mind you, but by staying consistent.
The defining weapon of Beddor's Wonderland is the AD-52 (Automatic Dealer, fifty-two card deck) that shoots out razor-edged playing cards. The inside cover of Arch Enemy is a detailed schematic blueprint for the AD-52 and inside the actual book it's as popular as pistols and sunglasses in The Matrix.
The AD-52's razor cards, however, never seems to make the same noise twice. During one battle they splinter a floor: Thimp thimp thimp thimp! Later in the book they are embedded in a wall: Fith fith fith fith fith. When Alyss conjures the cards with her imagination: fiss, fiss, fiss! Perhaps different decks of cards make different noises, Bicycle playing cards more aerodynamic than the novelty ones with naked ladies on them. Or perhaps Beddor was just lazy.
"How do you know that I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat. "or you wouldn't have come here."
A few years later the sequel, Seeing Redd, hit the shelves. Here's the user review I posted on Barnes and Noble's website:Wonderland's Sophomore Slump
Posted February 23, 2008, 3:40 PM EST: I enjoyed Beddor's 'Looking Glass Wars' a good deal. What truly set it apart from standard sword and sorcery fantasy, aside from the Carroll roots, was its wonderful second act. The middle part of 'Wars' was rich with mystery and psychological complexity. Mystery and complexity, however, are nowhere to be found in 'Seeing Redd.' The only thing resembling complexity is the chasm between the two warring queens: Alyss and Redd. Alyss' character has become horribly dull and does not evolve one iota throughout the novel. Redd is what she was before: a hilariously evil, sterotypical, and entertaining character. Continually jumping back and forth between the dry heroes and colorful villians makes the novel seem disjointed . . . and makes me root for the villians. The 'twist' ending that Beddor throws in is nothing more than an easy open-ended cop-out. Here's hoping book three is better.
I wish I could tell you what that "twist ending" is, but I've since completely forgotten, which is a testament to the overall lameness of the book. When the conclusion, Arch Enemy, hit shelves I could only fight off the temptation for so long. I suffer from the great curse of sequels: can't ignore 'em, almost never like 'em.
Which brings me to Arch Enemy.
My capsule review: Bwwoorrllkkk.It became obvious fairly early on that Beddor completely mailed this one in and, if the rumors of an impending movie adaptation of the books are true, it seems like he just spat this thing up there for an eventual screenplay. Not that I can ever make excuses for crappy paint-by-numbers books, but I understand when a Thomas Harris spits out a Hannibal Rising to make another yacht payment. But when the first movie based on the first book of your trilogy isn't even greenlit? Tsk tsk tsk.
Arch Enemy has no idea what kind of book it is; it's chock full of stock battle sequences with a sprinkling of star-crossed love and a heaping dose of daddy-issues . . . but completely impossible for the reader to take it seriously when so much of it is so damn goofy. From the absurdly named Weapon of Inconceivable Loss and Massive Annihilation (or WILMA), to ridiculous weapons such as the "oozy," (a gun that shoots goop) much of the book comes across as drunken James Bond Mad Hatter Libs. The writing is atrocious, and the use of sound effects is absolutely insane.
Zeeeerrroww!
Constantly, throughout the book, if something happens that causes a sound, a sound effect is actually written. For instance:
Pffffffaaa!- The transport shook. Outside, Alyss could hear the metallic wheeze of unfolding cannonball spiders, the scuffle of running feet, panicked voices.
Dodge pulled a slender rod from the top of his boot, and--Fwathump! The rod opened like an umbrella from earth, its webbing shielding him and Alyss from incoming shards.
-or-
Alyss fell toward the Pool of Tears, he feet pointed down and her arms held close to her body.
Kersplassshhhh!
She plunged through the water . . .
-or-
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh! A mauler shard whistled by her head.
Every fight scene, and there are a lot of fight scenes, are laden with fffshaw!'s and fi-fi-fi-fi-fith!'s and fweppap!'s. It grated on me after a while, but what annoyed me most was the inconsistency of the noises. As a lifelong comic book fan there are few things I love more than the snikt! of Wolverine's claws popping or the thwip! of Spider-Man firing off his web-shooters. An iconic sound effect is created by using it repeatedly, not by overusing it mind you, but by staying consistent.
The defining weapon of Beddor's Wonderland is the AD-52 (Automatic Dealer, fifty-two card deck) that shoots out razor-edged playing cards. The inside cover of Arch Enemy is a detailed schematic blueprint for the AD-52 and inside the actual book it's as popular as pistols and sunglasses in The Matrix.
The AD-52's razor cards, however, never seems to make the same noise twice. During one battle they splinter a floor: Thimp thimp thimp thimp! Later in the book they are embedded in a wall: Fith fith fith fith fith. When Alyss conjures the cards with her imagination: fiss, fiss, fiss! Perhaps different decks of cards make different noises, Bicycle playing cards more aerodynamic than the novelty ones with naked ladies on them. Or perhaps Beddor was just lazy.
And then there's the "orb generator," a kind of small low-level tactical nuke that's used in various battles. Beddor saves his most awesome of sound effects for the orb generator:
Booooooooooaaaashhhhhhhhhhhhhhkk!
That's what it sounds like when it erupts, or explodes or generates or whatever it is that it does, in the sky. When it hurtles through the forest however, it's all like feeeeeeeeooooooshhhhkaaaghghgk! Aaaah, but the best is saved for last. The climax of the book comes when Alyss does the unthinkable and generates the largest orb generator in the history of Wonderland:
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhchchchchchkkckck!
That's right. Twenty-seven o's and eleven h's. I counted. My eyes were all like, beoioioingggg! and my jaw went all schajok! Then I poured myself a another whiskey-glukglukgluk- and drank it -ghhp, ghhp, aaaaaahhhh- and was all like bwah ha ha ha ha ha!
And I closed the book-fwap!
I can't remember if the first two books went this crazy with the sound effects, but if so then they at least must have had some substance to distract me from the absurdity. And that's what it is, absurdity.
Booooooooooaaaashhhhhhhhhhhhhhkk!
That's what it sounds like when it erupts, or explodes or generates or whatever it is that it does, in the sky. When it hurtles through the forest however, it's all like feeeeeeeeooooooshhhhkaaaghghgk! Aaaah, but the best is saved for last. The climax of the book comes when Alyss does the unthinkable and generates the largest orb generator in the history of Wonderland:
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhchchchchchkkckck!
That's right. Twenty-seven o's and eleven h's. I counted. My eyes were all like, beoioioingggg! and my jaw went all schajok! Then I poured myself a another whiskey-glukglukgluk- and drank it -ghhp, ghhp, aaaaaahhhh- and was all like bwah ha ha ha ha ha!
And I closed the book-fwap!
I can't remember if the first two books went this crazy with the sound effects, but if so then they at least must have had some substance to distract me from the absurdity. And that's what it is, absurdity.
What truly blows my mind about Arch Enemy and the trilogy in general is just how lazy it all feels, particularly considering the Looking Glass Wars empire Beddor is attempting to create. Check out the website if you have some time to kill. It boasts an online card game, updates on the development of a rollercoaster-chk-chk-chk-chk-chk-zzzrrrrooooowwwwssshhhh!- and information on the development of the movies. There is also a series of teen graphic novels based on the solo adventures of Hatter M.
I read up on Beddor, and you can see why he views everything as culminating with a film empire; the guy is a producer, credits including There's Something About Mary and Wicked. Know what this guy is working on now? He's developing the story for the new Ridley Scott movie: Monopoly.
If this is your first time hearing it, I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.
Monopoly. The Movie.
Wuhwuhwuhwuh-wuzzattt!? Zzzzvvrrooommm!
At this point I'm now completely off topic, but I'll leave you with a nice long quote from Beddor talking about the movie, showing off his great powers of imagination. Hopefully little Scotty dogs can distract him long enough to forget how wide open he left his trilogy for a fourth installment.
"I wrote the story that got Hasbro excited and I attached Ridley Scott. The project was underway but they were in a little bit of trouble I guess and they were looking for a way to actually turn it into a movie. I had a pretty interesting take and it got Sir Ridley interested ... "
"They have this big world and this game -- it’s the most famous board game in the world -- and it just really came out of the whole 'Alice' thing. I took the approach of thinking of the main character falling down a rabbit hole and into a real place called Monopoly City ... It was the re-engineering of 'Alice in Wonderland' that got me thinking and then with this it came around full circle and I was able to utilize that. That’s a big world. They were searching for that."
"I created a comedic, lovable loser who lives in Manhattan and works at a real estate company and he’s not very good at his job but he’s great at playing Monopoly. And the world record for playing is 70 straight days – over 1,600 hours – and he wanted to try to convince his friends to help him break that world record. They think he is crazy. They kid him about this girl and they're playing the game and there’s this big fight. And he’s holding a Chance card and after they’ve left he says, ‘Damn, I wanted to use that Chance card,’ and he throws it down. He falls asleep and then he wakes up in the morning and he’s holding the Chance card, and he thinks, ‘That’s odd.’"
"He’s all groggy and he goes down to buy some coffee and he reaches into his pocket and all he has is Monopoly money. All this Monopoly money pours out. He’s confused and embarrassed and the girl reaches across the counter and says, ‘That’s OK.’ And she gives him change in Monopoly money. He walks outside and he’s in this very vibrant place, Monopoly City, and he’s just come out of a Chance Shop. As it goes on, he takes on the evil Parker Brothers in the game of Monolopy. He has to defeat them. It tries to incorporate all the iconic imageries -- a sports car pulls up, there's someone on a horse, someone pushing a wheelbarrow -- and rich Uncle Pennybags, you're going to see him as the maître d' at the restaurant and he's the buggy driver and the local eccentric and the doorman at the opera. There's all these sight gags."
(Above image not actually a Beddor/Scott approved sight gag . . . I think. Thanks, Google Images! Rrrrriippp--eeeeeeaaaaarggghhhg!)
I read up on Beddor, and you can see why he views everything as culminating with a film empire; the guy is a producer, credits including There's Something About Mary and Wicked. Know what this guy is working on now? He's developing the story for the new Ridley Scott movie: Monopoly.
If this is your first time hearing it, I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.
Monopoly. The Movie.
Wuhwuhwuhwuh-wuzzattt!? Zzzzvvrrooommm!
At this point I'm now completely off topic, but I'll leave you with a nice long quote from Beddor talking about the movie, showing off his great powers of imagination. Hopefully little Scotty dogs can distract him long enough to forget how wide open he left his trilogy for a fourth installment.
"I wrote the story that got Hasbro excited and I attached Ridley Scott. The project was underway but they were in a little bit of trouble I guess and they were looking for a way to actually turn it into a movie. I had a pretty interesting take and it got Sir Ridley interested ... "
"They have this big world and this game -- it’s the most famous board game in the world -- and it just really came out of the whole 'Alice' thing. I took the approach of thinking of the main character falling down a rabbit hole and into a real place called Monopoly City ... It was the re-engineering of 'Alice in Wonderland' that got me thinking and then with this it came around full circle and I was able to utilize that. That’s a big world. They were searching for that."
"I created a comedic, lovable loser who lives in Manhattan and works at a real estate company and he’s not very good at his job but he’s great at playing Monopoly. And the world record for playing is 70 straight days – over 1,600 hours – and he wanted to try to convince his friends to help him break that world record. They think he is crazy. They kid him about this girl and they're playing the game and there’s this big fight. And he’s holding a Chance card and after they’ve left he says, ‘Damn, I wanted to use that Chance card,’ and he throws it down. He falls asleep and then he wakes up in the morning and he’s holding the Chance card, and he thinks, ‘That’s odd.’"
"He’s all groggy and he goes down to buy some coffee and he reaches into his pocket and all he has is Monopoly money. All this Monopoly money pours out. He’s confused and embarrassed and the girl reaches across the counter and says, ‘That’s OK.’ And she gives him change in Monopoly money. He walks outside and he’s in this very vibrant place, Monopoly City, and he’s just come out of a Chance Shop. As it goes on, he takes on the evil Parker Brothers in the game of Monolopy. He has to defeat them. It tries to incorporate all the iconic imageries -- a sports car pulls up, there's someone on a horse, someone pushing a wheelbarrow -- and rich Uncle Pennybags, you're going to see him as the maître d' at the restaurant and he's the buggy driver and the local eccentric and the doorman at the opera. There's all these sight gags."
(Above image not actually a Beddor/Scott approved sight gag . . . I think. Thanks, Google Images! Rrrrriippp--eeeeeeaaaaarggghhhg!)
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